I’ve been working on this post before Thanksgiving and just now am getting around to posting it.
Our God is so amazing. I’ve learned so much in the last year. Sometimes, I feel so undeserving of His love and goodness. Then I remember I’m crafted in His image, made exactly right. I’m thankful for the struggles I’ve had to endure. For they have made me who I am and made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. It was this time, ten years ago that I was struggling so much with my health. I’m thankful for medication and doctors who have helped me along the way.
I’m thankful for my family and my friends. No matter what is going on, they are always supporting me and loving me. I’m grateful for my family who helps me to achieve my goals and everything I do. We have so much fun together. We have been through so much and I am thankful to still have most of them with me.
I’m grateful for my friends, who I don’t see as often but know everyone is out doing amazing things. I’m thankful for the constant laughter and support they bring into my life. I’m thankful for my boyfriend, who I’ve loved getting to do life with the last year.
I’m grateful to love a God who loves me and cares about me. I’m incredibly thankful to let Him guide me in my life and everything that I do. God brings us back from trials and struggles with grace that we can get through anything with His love. Without Him, I don’t know what I’d be doing.
For over a week now, I’ve been ill with an awful migraine. This migraine left me in bed for six days. When I thought I had beat the migraine, its friend Depression came to visit. Or perhaps he started visiting while I was in the trenches of the migraine. I cried a lot in the last week. Asking God why I was experiencing this pain and how to make it stop. Praying for relief. I’d do anything. Thinking for a brief moment, not admitted to anyone, that maybe I’d be better off not alive. See, the migraine destroyed any logical reason I had. The devil found a way into my life. In the way of depression. Depression can steal you away from everything you know. Your family. Your friends. Your motivation. Your hobbies. The pit of despair you feel is like nothing I’ve never experienced. I’ve been on medication for depression and anxiety since I was 16 years old. But the feelings of worthlessness hit me like a ton of bricks this last week. I went to my class yesterday and felt like this is where I was supposed to be. I needed to be in the classroom learning and engaging with my peers. I woke up today with dread. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to do the dishes or fold the laundry. The voices of “you are unworthy” and “you have no purpose” was all I heard. I stayed in bed, cuddled with blankets and my dogs. I let the devil win today. But I am not allowing him into my life anymore. He is trying to steal my happiness, my joy, my peace. My Lord is so good. He is patient. He waited until I needed to hear it the most, that everything would be okay. I am alive. The earthly pain I am feeling is temporary. My God is so unforgiving. He is loving. He knew I needed him. I know now that He has me in the palm of His hand, and I will be okay. Depression will not be the reason I give up. I had a setback.j am ready to commit to what the Lord has for my purpose. He will provide for me when I am unwell. He is faithful and good.
Tonight, I am so thankful for loving family, friends, and my boyfriend for loving me and being so patient as I walk through this part of my life and fight these demons.
Thank you Lord for waking me up. I will forever be singing Your praises.
Today is World Mental Health Day! This is something that fascinates me, not only from a clinical standpoint, but also from someone with these struggles. Mental health is extremely important. 1 in 4 people have a mental health issue.
I don’t disclose often when I’m having a bad mental health day; that I can’t get out of bed because I’m so fucking tired from pain and it’s either making me anxious or too depressed to move. This has been my reality for the last few weeks. So much, in fact, I’d had to reconsider working. It’s been hard for me to even admit to myself I was hurting. When I cried for the third day in a row with no warning, I knew I needed to figure something out. Now, I’m trying to be more proactive about how I’m feeling and thinking and the energy I’m putting out to the world.
If someone is struggling with depression and/or anxiety, be kind to them. Love them through it. It’s hard to ask for help when you’re going through it and thinking you’re worthless and stuck in this hole of despair. So many people struggle thinking they are all alone in this fight and I want people to know that’s not the case. So many of us battle these demons.
It does get better. For me, it comes in waves of when I’m alone or when I should be studying and I’m curled in a ball. Depression and anxiety look different for everyone. Some people can hide it extremely well, while others wear their emotions on their face.
Being ill can change your perspective on a lot of things: Diet, your friends, schooling, and dating. God decided I needed to meet someone on October 3, 2017. I haven’t found a way to figure out how to date while chronically ill. It was always a struggle to navigate what to tell someone you first meet that this is a part of you. I take my health very seriously, and it’s hard when others may not understand. When do you explain you live with this condition that will never go away? Remission is possible, but can be hard to attain.
Being able to manage my illness in a relationship has it’s rough times, but they are worth it with the right person. I have grown in the span of a year to understand that not everyone is meant to support you. You need time alone to grow in your own stillness. God allowed me to meet someone so incredible and understanding of what I am going through. In the year, we’ve exchanged Christmas gifts, went on road trips, played a lot of Pokémon, had surgeries, gone to countless doctor appointments, taken a lot of naps, and moved in together. Learning to live with someone you love when you both have health issues can be challenging on some days when the dishes need to be done or the laundry needs to be folded, but it’s so worth it; finding someone who understands you and loves you is something I hope everyone can experience. Knowing this man for a year has been a whirlwind of love and laughs. I can’t wait for more.
If you are chronically ill (or not), don’t give up on finding someone to spend your time with. God’s timing is always perfect and just when you least expect it. God has entrusted me to love another person and I am so grateful to have met him, and know him. God is faithful and provides us with who we need. He understands our wants and desires in our hearts so fiercely and completely. If you struggle with singleness, turn to God. He is always here.
I know it’s been a while. I am still getting in the swing of being in a new semester of classes and staying on track of things. I had my remicade infusion yesterday, so I’m hoping it will work well this month and get me feeling better. I’ve been so under the weather with migraines and fatigue lately. I had to make the hard decision to leave my position at my job to be able to solely focus on my health and my studies. It was so anxious for me to decide, but ultimately, God was in control. He knew what I needed and placed that on my heart. My boss and the women I work with are so amazing and I will always be grateful for them and their support while I was working. God blessed me when He decided I should work with these women and this center. I become so much more outgoing and I loved my coworkers. I loved helping the students and everything the job entailed. I am so thankful for my boss for allowing me to realize that I needed time for myself and my health. Without her intervening, I would still be continuing to stretch myself too thin and that’s not fair to me or the workplace. Sometimes, God puts people or situations in our life, for a season or for life. I enjoyed my season and I am now looking forward to focusing on my schoolwork.
This all happens in God’s timing. Today, I am grateful.