For over a week now, I’ve been ill with an awful migraine. This migraine left me in bed for six days. When I thought I had beat the migraine, its friend Depression came to visit. Or perhaps he started visiting while I was in the trenches of the migraine. I cried a lot in the last week. Asking God why I was experiencing this pain and how to make it stop. Praying for relief. I’d do anything. Thinking for a brief moment, not admitted to anyone, that maybe I’d be better off not alive. See, the migraine destroyed any logical reason I had. The devil found a way into my life. In the way of depression. Depression can steal you away from everything you know. Your family. Your friends. Your motivation. Your hobbies. The pit of despair you feel is like nothing I’ve never experienced. I’ve been on medication for depression and anxiety since I was 16 years old. But the feelings of worthlessness hit me like a ton of bricks this last week. I went to my class yesterday and felt like this is where I was supposed to be. I needed to be in the classroom learning and engaging with my peers. I woke up today with dread. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to do the dishes or fold the laundry. The voices of “you are unworthy” and “you have no purpose” was all I heard. I stayed in bed, cuddled with blankets and my dogs. I let the devil win today. But I am not allowing him into my life anymore. He is trying to steal my happiness, my joy, my peace. My Lord is so good. He is patient. He waited until I needed to hear it the most, that everything would be okay. I am alive. The earthly pain I am feeling is temporary. My God is so unforgiving. He is loving. He knew I needed him. I know now that He has me in the palm of His hand, and I will be okay. Depression will not be the reason I give up. I had a setback.j am ready to commit to what the Lord has for my purpose. He will provide for me when I am unwell. He is faithful and good.
Tonight, I am so thankful for loving family, friends, and my boyfriend for loving me and being so patient as I walk through this part of my life and fight these demons.
Thank you Lord for waking me up. I will forever be singing Your praises.